I just finished refinishing my hated kitchen table. I don't like it. I mean, I did a good job, and I like the job I did, I just don't like the table and I would love to get a new one that expands to fit all my friends and family when they come a calling. Urgh - I will just have to buck up, stick the darn thing back in my kitchen and start saving my dollar bills for a new table. We'll see how long it takes to save enough up. I have a jar in my room now for the dollar bills - I just will have to actually do it!

Leo had 2 friends over, Sarah had 2 friends over, Jan had a friend over, Alex had 2 friends over and I feel like drinking a beer. I don't have anything decent in the fridge (Jan got the stuff in the blue and white can) and I really feel like a good cold one but there is no way on earth I would ever get in the car and drive for one - want and need are not the same thing. I guess I will have a glass of raspberry lemonade instead. At least its cold and tart!

My neighbor gave me a couple of zucchini today - I am going to make a cake with them on Friday when I have my next opportunity to spend a little bit of time at home. I love zucchini cake - I haven't had it in a long time. Maybe I will make some of Grandma Fontish's hot fudge frosting to go on top - yum!

Wednesdays get so hard - they start too early and I really feel that by 2pm, after having been in meetings or running since 6:30am, it's just past time to quit for the day even though my phone does not stop ringing and I really do still have to answer it and do some business.

Oh well, I guess that is life and maybe it isn't the most organized but it's mine and I like it!

Another fine day

Sometime within the next week I plan on having my kitchen table back in my kitchen. Right now, it it sitting calmly in my garage waiting for a final coat of varnish (I finally got fed up with the surface and stripped it). Humidity is preventing that final coat - I learned a long time ago, the hard way, that the final coat needs to be applied in not sopping wet conditions or it takes forever to dry and therefore becomes subject to little things like bugs landing on it that would become permanently encased in the varnish. Ugh.

M passed away a couple weeks ago. As I feared, we got the call during the vacation and had to pack up and leave in rather a hurry. I felt a sense of relief really - and then immediate guilt for it. M is no longer suffering, and my husband can sleep at night again. The worry over when was killing him, too. We took L to see her, and he was concerned that he was going to see gramma's bones - so we had the 15 minute abreviated discussion about heaven and where we go when we die. What happens to our souls, what we do with our bodies. I don't think he really gets it yet - that's okay. Someday he will.

Just to make matters fun, my five year old wonder managed to drop a full jar of mayonaise on his foot and break the end of his big toe. It is now a lovely purplish black and I know that the nail should be coming off any day. It's okay though - it matches the damage he did to his pinky toe on his other foot. Just a little more spectacular and noticeable. Oh, the joys of momhood!

I did love the gentle commentary by his guitar teacher that alleviated much of his anguish over his black and blue toes - she oohed and ahhed over the toes and told him that the toenail fairy was going to take his yukky broken one and he was going to grow a strong, grown up toenail where the old one falls off and it will be way stronger! It's so cute! He can't wait now for the toenail fairy.

S and A are back at their dad's. I think they are in Hinkley gambling (sorry, I mean camping in the casino parking lot) or they might be in Turtle Lake doing the same. We are making arrangements for mom's funeral for when they are back. We will have to go to North Dakota for the service and burial. J's dad is already buried there and mom's spot is waiting for her. Right now we have her cremains home with us. It's kind of nice to just say goodbye for a little while, even though we have been saying goodbye for several months. We like to say she is here for a visit. I think we are planning on making it a four day weekend. I need to finish clothing shopping for them.

A's 16th birthday is also coming up way too quickly - aack! What do you get a 16 year old that doesn't cost a million dollars? I really could use some clues. Anyone? He is so dogonne cute and funny but has everything I think he really wants. Sigh. Big sigh.

S is ready for contacts so we have an appointment for her. I think she is going to be really suprised - I told her no contacts until she's 16 and she really just doesn't want to be resigned to that. I can't wait for her eye appointment next week!

Oh well. It's 6:30am and time for me to get my butt out the door. Wednesday mornings are soooo early sometimes.

Blue frosting, cherry chocolate cupcakes and messy fridges

This morning I finally got the last of the blue frosting scraped off the island countertop and looked again at the table top in dire need of stripping and refinishing. The song "If I had a million dollars" is on my cd player, and I started thinking about what I would do if I had a million dollars.

I'd like to say that I would be completely altruistic and donate the whole thing to my favorite charities, but the truth is, I would take care of me and my family before anything else.

I would hire somebody to take care of all the blue frosting messes, the stuff piling up in the fridge, and cleaning the toilets (my least favorite job, but one I do daily).

I would get a new kitchen table. One that expands to 106" so that I can have my family and friends over without feeling squished.

I would have new living room flooring - I hate my carpet in all its shredded, level loop splendor.

All my debts, and all the debt in my family (yes, even yours M and R) would be taken care of. I might even buy my brothers each a house, and M would finally get the pink and purple paisley mini van with a soccer mom sticker I've been threatening him with since he got his temps. Of course, now that he has kids he would probably like that!

I would get a new saab for my hubby - he thinks he needs one. I would get me something that goes "shhhhhh" and is very green and gets great mileage. A would get the baby blue station wagon.

We might go to Disney, or Seaworld, or both. I think it would be fun! We also might go canoeing through the Boundary Waters - I haven't done that for years and I think it would be a great experience for the kids.

I would have some trees planted in my yard - shade, glorious shade! I would buy a distressed tract of land somewhere up north and invite anyone who wants to stargaze to go use it. No hunting allowed during stargazing season!

I would buy a piece of forest and let any family member hunt on that. Keep nature green!

I would maybe even slow down a little and take some time to breathe. Mostly, I would just be happy for my good fortune and share with my close friends and family.

Money does not motivate me. It's nice to have, it's a necessity and I enjoy having a comfortable life style, but even if we had half what we do now I would be content because I do get to scrape blue frosting off the counter as a result of making cupcakes with my son and I do get to wake up and drink coffee with my husband, and my brothers are alive and kicking it up (all 3 of them), and my sisters in law are incredible women - all 3 of them and most of all I am blessed to have so many great and wonderful friends and such an incredible family. D and T, you are my sisters in my soul and heart, and the day we became best friends is one of the greatest memories of my life.

P.S. I did not win the lottery last night. I guess I'll have to get another ticket.

Life and other things

Life is a funny thing. I got up this morning with the view of my five year old son's sea blue eyes inches from my own as his pop-tart sweetened breath scented the air about me and his earnest whisper echoed in my ears "hey mom, I need you to come see my kazoo. Are you awake?" Happiness isn't the word, nor is contentment. A sigh of something wonderful ran through me. I am mom.

In the next moment I thought about the red haired wonders that are off with their father somewhere he won't share and a nasty sting hit my soul. Not being able to communicate with either of my 2 older children is harsh. Upon occasion, I rail at God for taking them out of my influence even for a week or two at a time, then I remember that no matter what, they know that I love them more than life itself and I feel their love in return...

As small children, I would tuck kisses and hugs into their blankies, and my daughter would come back from a weekend with her father and say very solemnly "Mommy, I think there are only one or two kisses left. You need to reload my blankie." And together we would kiss and cuddle her blankie, making sure there were plenty stored within it's folds.

Now she is thirteen (can you believe it? I can't) and doesn't carry her blankie any more. But we still store up the kisses and hugs - she just holds them in her heart as I hold them in mine and together we remember every day to say "I love you" even when we are apart.

My first born, my oldest, is dear and sweet and kind and funny and smart and cute. I don't want him to grow up, but he is reaching ever more toward adult hood, and I hate to let him fly even though I will. We are working on driving right now; he is actually really good for a beginner though I am positive we will be purchasing one of those nanny cam things that goes into the vehicle. He is very responsible, but why tempt fate???

He has dark chocolate brown eyes rimmed with black and gorgeous red hair like his little sister, though his is getting darker and curlier much to his dismay. His voice has gotten rich and deep, and when I had him on speaker phone Saturday my friend thought he was a grown man. Not yet, son, but soon enough.

My baby boy, who is no longer a baby with his blue, blue eyes and tow head reasons with me again for a kazoo concert and pink cookies - his favorite for today. We agree to let mom drink coffee before cookies and during the kazoo concert - he is chortling with contentment and marching to his own tune. We have a long discussion about how a kazoo works; he informs me it is the buzzing stuff that makes the music and then we discuss what buzzing stuff is and he pokes apart his kazoo (we fix it with wax paper) to see how it works for real. I show him how to make an instrument out of his comb and a piece of wax paper. We make a shaker out of rice, a paper tube and some tape and then find his tamborine and have a concert.

We pack ourselves into the car before lunch, pick up Daddy and head in to EC to see grandma at the nursing home for her birthday. She is having a good day - she cannot focus on anyone, but she grips her pink birthday card tightly in her hand and makes appreciative noises. Her mouth works; she tries to let us know that she is aware of us, but we know that she has no real knowledge of who we are, just that we are there. She loves to have L visit and calls him by his daddy's name when she can talk (I keep saying he looks nothing like me, but J won't see it!). She is asleep again within a few minutes, so we leave her pink card in her grip and some red, white and blue paper roses in a vase on her dresser. L is confused as to what is going on with Grandma M and a little frightened. We have spent his whole life visiting Grandma M in the nursing home but recently it has become difficult as she nears the end of her days. We take him to lunch, and J and I discuss with him the issues of heaven and Jesus and Grandpa M who went with Jesus before L was born. How do you explain death to a five year old? How do you explain it to an adult?

L and I come home and eat some more pink cookies - he is fractious and I send him to his room to rest - I know he won't nap but he will look at books quietly for a bit so I can do something with my time. Laundry calls, so I throw some in and think for a moment about wiping down the kitchen though not too hard. I have plenty of day left to clean the house, and what I really want is some time to just rearrange my thoughts and write. We are going to make cupcakes this afternoon in Grandma M's honor, with blue frosting (because L remembers Grandma liking blue frosting) and I am going to try to figure out how to pay for our vacation in a couple of weeks.

We are staying close this year because of her condition - she has been leaving us for about a month, and the doctor keeps telling us that she will leave us in the next week or so. She is a strong and stubborn person though and continues to hang in there. I hate it. She is in pain, and frustrated, and can't eat anymore. I want to have her back - her wit and humor, her endless puzzles and her enjoyment of the kids. I want my husband to feel some relief from the agonizing slowness of his mom's decline. I don't like that he wanders the house in the dark of the night and pretends that he sleeps to relieve my concern for him. I hate that I can't tell her who we are and have some faint glimmer of recognition in her faded blue eyes. I am saddened when she seems frightened by her own lack of understanding, and I say a prayer for her and with her every day I visit.
I dread the day that we receive that call. It was difficult when J's dad passed away, but that was from cancer, and at home, and he was aware of who was with him and we were able to talk about his journey and help him understand we would always take care of mom. I feel guilty that she is not at home, but we cannot care for her here, and her home in Detroit Lakes is several hours away and long since sold. I am thinking hard about what to do with L at the end -- do we take him to see her before she is picked up by the funeral home? What memories do we give him? Another deep breath, another prayer, and hope we do it right in the end.

I am thinking of having him write a letter to his grandma M - maybe a goodbye letter. Maybe we'll write a letter to send her with Santa's letter every year. I know that way too soon we will be making the trek to Gwynner ND to see Grandpa M and bury Grandma M beside him. Do we make this a mini vacation, too? I will tak to J about it again tonight. Alzheimer's stinks.